Stephan Denisovich on Fatherhood

Anton Semenovych Makarenko
1888-1939

I recently started reading Anton Makarenko’s 1937 A Book for Parents. Makarenko is perhaps best known for his work The Road to Life which was originally published in Russian as The Pedagogical Poem. I read the first volume of The Road to Life several years ago and enjoyed it very much, so I was excited when I found a copy of A Book for Parents some years later. But, as is the case for many bibliophiles far and wide, I always have more books than spare time on my hands. Recently though, I finally got around to giving this book the attention it deserves. I'm delving into it with special enthusiasm now that I am a stay-at-home dad, as I am always in search of new and interesting perspectives on parenthood.

A Book for Parents applies Makarenko’s theories regarding childhood education to the practice of parenting. 

Makarenko wrote of his experiences and observations of life in rural Russia in the decades following the Civil War of 1917-1922 but there’s a lot of wisdom and insight to be found in his writings, even with the passing of almost a century. Take, for instance, Makarenko’s reminiscences of Stephan Denisovich Vetkin, a former teacher who changed professions and became a blacksmith in the hope that he could earn a better living for his wife and 13—yes 13—children. Makarenko, in an effort to help out Vetkin, finds him the opportunity to work some overtime hours at the local factory. When Vetkin politely declines, Makarenko is surprised by his decision to pass on the chance to earn additional wages. Vetkin replies by explaining why time at home with his family is sometimes much more important than earning a little extra money:

“...don't my children need me? They need a father to be a father to them and not what I've seen sometimes, not a father but a horse: dull eyes, hump-back, nerves no good for anything and about as much soul as a dead duck! What's the use of such a father, I'd like to know? Just for earning the daily bread. Why, better to bury him straight away and let the children be fed by the state—the state won't grudge them. I've seen one or two of those fathers: strains his guts out, doesn't understand anything—next day he's on the floor, dead, and the children are orphans; and if they aren't orphans they are idiots, because there ought to be joy in a family and not just grief all the time. And people go on boasting: ‘I've given up everything for the children!’ Well, you were fools for doing so, that's all I can say—you gave up everything and the kids got sweet nothing. Maybe our food isn't very rich, but there's a bit of life and company in our family. I'm well, Mother's a cheerful one and they've all got souls in their bodies.” ¹

Makarenko is initially skeptical of Vetkin’s reasoning but upon paying a visit to the Vetkin family one evening, he is won over by their “healthy collective spirit” and “good creative optimism.”

In today’s America, there is a vocal contingent who asserts that family life should be grounded in socially conservative “traditions” and guided by metaphysical tenets. But Vetkin’s example seems to show that patience, persistence and priorities are among the most important components of a family environment in which happiness, compassion, and love will prevail and flourish.

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1. This quote is drawn from the first English edition of A Book for Parents, which was published in 1954 (translation by Robert Daglish).

Lullabies from the Axis of Evil

I keep a decent selection of CDs by the big, comfy rocking chair in Dimitri’s room so that we always have something interesting to listen to around nap time...or, if nothing else, I’ll have something pleasant to focus on when Dimitri’s not exactly in the mood to go to sleep quickly. I’m not drawing on my collection of punk and metal to produce a mood that’s conducive to sleep, mind you. For these selections, I go to the “serious” fare from my home library. It’s a longstanding tradition to put the kids to bed with a bit of culture. Our first daughter Kalliope used to fall asleep to Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 7 (“Leningrad”) almost every night as a toddler. When she got a little older, I’d tell her about the story of the siege of Leningrad as we listened to the opening strains of Shostakovich’s masterpiece. Zoya was quite different early on; she responded mostly to white noise and meditation music when she was very small. She eventually took well to Woody Guthrie’s Dust Bowl Ballads and some of Ravi Shankar’s work and when she was old enough to talk and express her preferences, she’d sometimes ask for these artists by name.

This time around, I’ve tried Dimitri with some old favorites, including different compositions by Shostakovich and selections from Woody Guthrie’s Asch Recordings collection. I’ve also included some new favorites into the mix, like Khachaturian, Mahler and Guy and Candy Carawan’s 1976 recording, Music from the People’s Republic of China. All of these have worked fine thus far—and by “worked fine,” I mean they haven’t kept Dimitri awake and they’ve done just fine at keeping me entertained for the long haul. But during a recent trip to my library shelves to look for more bedtime fare, I re-discovered my copy of the Lullabies from the Axis of Evil. I purchased the CD years ago but never had the occasion to fully appreciate it. I think I found it in a chain bookstore and I was very impressed with the idea behind the album but Zoya was already about 4 or 5 years old at the time and she didn’t have much use for lullabies. But at this point in my life, the CD has a lot of practical value now that we have a little one back in the fold. And when I played the opening track, “Sad Sol” (“You, My Destiny”) for Dimitri last week, I was excited by the fact that he seemed to really, really appreciate it...by virtue of the fact that he went to sleep quickly.

Originally released in 2004, Lullabies from the Axis of Evil is the creation of Norweigian record producer Erik Hillestad. In the extensive liner notes to the album, Hillestad shares his vision and objectives for this project, remembering George W. Bush’s denouncement of the so-called “Axis of Evil” of Iran, Iraq and North Korea in Bush’s January 29, 2002 State of the Union Address as the impetus for the Lullabies project:

This and other speeches, held by Bush and other leaders of the greatest power on the planet, made it clear that the "war on terrorism" following the events of Sept. 11. 2001 needed to identify nations—not only terrorist cells—as the enemy.

[...]

Without going too far in analysing the reasons behind this new way of fighting avoid problem, it is easy to became worried about the fatal results the new doctrine may create.The stigma that has been attached to the countries pointed out as members of "The Axis of Evil" is just one side of it. The building of enemy lines and walls, in minds and on the ground between peoples, is another. The fact that it misleads us and covers the real problems in the world is a third.

Lullabies lead ms to the deepest and most fundamental may of communication between human beings. It is where all sharing of ideas and feelings starts. Between mother and child, between father and child, It is a universal culture. And it is amazing to see how many aesthetic similarities, musically and lyrically there are in lullabies from country to country all over the world. The text-issues are often the same, so are the musical structures. Differences in scales, language, metaphors and religion cannot cover the fact that in the lullabies, the cultures of the earth meet each other. Or rather; from this common starting-point they grow into diversity.

It’s a great concept and it’s marvelously executed as Hillestad draws together contemporary artists with traditional music and rhythms, mixing these ingredients with both English-language versions of the songs as well as vocalizations featuring the original lyrics in their respective languages. Hillestad also moves beyond Bush’s original “Axis of Evil,” including lullabies from Palestine, Sudan, Afghanistan, Syria and Cuba. It’s a collection that is both functional and profound, as the songs from Lullabies from the Axis of Evil transport listeners to a happy and ethereal place while serving as a clear reminder of the unfortunate and short-sighted preconceptions which continue to divide people in the real world.

I’ve played the CD for Dimitri a few more times since the night that I introduced it to him and, while he hasn’t fallen asleep right away like he did the first time he heard it, he doesn’t seem to dislike it, either. So the album is going to stay in our rotation for the foreseeable future. I hope that in the long run, my son is not only well-rested but also well-rounded, with an optimistic outlook on humanity.

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Further reading: Literature and Lullabies from the "Axis of Evil"   npr.org

Carrying a heavy load

Call it a weak moment. Or maybe it was just sheer desperation. After spending most of Saturday morning and the early afternoon with baby Dimitri, I was ready to move around and get things done. Thomai and the girls were out and about and it was just the men of the family holding down the proverbial fort. Dimitri had hit his limit for sitting around and he was letting me know it, too. Going outside wasn’t an option because it was pouring rain and we’d already watched way too much television. Let’s face it: you can only watch so many of those Investigation Discovery shows back to back before you start to wonder which one of your neighbors is going to hire a hit man to stab you with a fondue fork so they can inherit your grandfather’s secret gold mine. (Really, that’s how weird it gets, folks.) Anyway, at some point in the day I got the bright idea to dig out the baby carrier that we bought before Dimitri was born. I figured that since the little guy absolutely wouldn’t tolerate another moment on his back or in his baby swing, maybe he’d enjoy being carried around the house while I tried to make a dent in my laundry list of chores...which ironically included doing some laundry.

After an extensive search around the house, I found our Infantino Swift Baby Carrier. I did not, however, find the instruction booklet that came with it. But I have a master's degree, so I figured I could safely tackle this one without much help. After I got all the straps, Velcro and clips straightened out, I loaded my squirming, 12-pound sack of potatoes into it and, believe it or not, he was quite content with the whole situation. The carrier can be worn either on the front or the back. I picked the front, particularly because Dimitri has been spitting up a lot lately and I wanted fair warning just in case he blew up like some miniature geyser that only shoots lukewarm cottage cheese.

Dimitri loves being carried around and seeing everything there is to see, so I was already feeling like this was a great arrangement. In fact, it was a nice 20 to 25 minutes we had with this thing and, while the conventional wisdom might have held that it was my back that would bear the brunt of the strain, I didn't experience a lot of discomfort from my shoulders to my caboose. There were limits to what we could achieve as a team, though. My efforts at packaging up some books to send out in the mail reminded me just how observant and curious Dimitri is, as he was very interested in the shiny (and sharp) scissors I was using to cut up bubble wrap. So, I had to keep my work at a pretty fair distance to ensure that his fingers still numbered into the double-digits. Picking up stuff, doing a few dishes and all that went just fine, too. But the big problem at my end was that both of my arms started going numb after just a few minutes. The left arm got it much worse than the right and I suspect that has something to do with the placement of the straps. By the time I felt like I’d done enough chores to earn a rest, Dimitri seemed ready to call it quits, too. The numbness in my arms turned to pain for a little while but by early evening, I was feeling okay.

It was definitely time well spent but there’s obviously something I’m missing with how to configure the thing. With a little more trial and error—or maybe just with the help of the freakin’ instructions— this carrier is something that could come in very handy again in the near future. I used the carrier again today with much better results. We cleared out the dishwasher and I fried up some salt pork for lunch, being careful to keep Dimitri at an angle (and a distance) from the stove when we’d flip it. One of the keys to using this and avoiding discomfort is providing a little extra support for Dimitri with alternating hands. I can still get a lot done because I am not completely using the strength of one arm to carry him. All things considered, I think this contraption is a keeper and if I was to “officially” rate this thing, I’d give it three out of four seasons.

Relax, he’s a professional...

My father-in-law retired in 2003 after over 40 years as an autoworker. Considering all those years spent working with his hands at the truck factory—as well as his early upbringing in a rural village in Greece, his experiences in building his first family home in Fort Wayne, Indiana and decades of being the family’s “go-to guy” for every kind of repair job imaginable—it was a tough adjustment for him to have so much time on his hands. Not one for reading books or watching television, he turned his attention to stuff around the house and in the yard, “repairing” things and “improving them”...whether they needed it or not. Over time, his abilities have slipped a little and things don’t always turn out quite the way he expects. Sometimes the results are funny; other times...well, not so much. Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say this—speaking from personal experience, mind you: When someone reaches a certain age, the mere suggestion of that person using a chainsaw, a power drill or even a tire compressor should send the entire family into DEFCON 1.

My father-in-law has slowed down quite a bit in the past few months, mostly because of all the changes we’ve been through but also because it’s pretty unpleasant outside right now with the early onset of winter weather here in Ohio. Still, he finds the time and interest to tinker with all sorts of things even if the work it’s on a much smaller scale these days. Below is a recent picture of his “workbench” which also doubles as the living room coffee table. I’m not sure what exactly he was doing with all these things on this particular day (and I’m not sure he knew, either), but whatever he was doing took the better part of the day, no power tools were involved, and nobody had to go to the emergency room. So it was basically time well-spent, all things considered.

A formula…for baby formula

I’m sure this will come across as ungrateful and that’s certainly not my intent. I mean, I am very thankful that I left baby Dimitri’s three-month visit to the pediatrician with five free 8 oz. cans of Enfamil A.R. Our doctor seems to think that this will curtail some problems Dimitri is experiencing with acid reflux. Anyway, the street value on this “powder” is somewhere between $50 and $60 (about $1.30 to $1.80 per oz.), depending on your preferred retailer and it’s not the first time we’ve received free samples of formula. In fact, I am relatively certain that since Dimitri’s birth in late August, we’ve actually received just as much free formula as what we’ve purchased at the store. We’ve even received entire cases of powder formula on more than one occasion. And many sample containers include one or two coupons that offer discounts on future purchases of the same product.  And at that, we have rarely paid full price for the stuff between all the manufacturer’s coupons and other discounts we’ve acquired. We were even getting samples and coupons through the mail months before we even knew whether this kid was a “he” or a “she”! All this begs the question: If the producers and distributors of baby formula can afford such widespread and relatively deep discounts, why is baby formula so expensive in the first place?

I will be the first to admit that I’m no expert when it comes to mathematics or marketing but some points are fairly obvious. For example, I use the phrase “relatively deep discounts” to reflect that the majority of coupons we receive lop between $3 and $5 off a $17.00 can of formula. So those who sell the product are willing to pass up around 18% to 29% of the retail price on a certain percentage of sales. That’s a noteworthy—and welcome—savings for many folks, especially for those who make the annual median wage ($26,364) or less.¹  Consider also the sheer volume of samples that manufacturers give away to hospitals, doctors’ offices and directly to consumers. I’ve seen this first hand. No doubt the freebies aren’t considered actual “product” by the manufacturers themselves. It’s a safe bet that the samples (most of which are marked “Not for Retail Sale”) are regarded as advertising expenses rather than actual stock, so companies lose nothing from their bottom line by giving away so much of what they produce. To be sure, they probably sell a lot more than what they give away. But do they sell so much because they give away so much? Probably not. I don’t know how competitive the baby formula market is these days but even with a declining birth rate in the United States, people are still having babies and those babies still need to eat. And most of them, at some point, will need some kind of baby formula either as their primary diet or as a supplement. But if the companies who produce formula still turn a hefty profit at the end of the day, they are ultimately validating the assertion of supply-side economics which holds that consumption and demand are secondary consequences of a successful capitalist enterprise.²  (I’m not even going to get into the shelf life of formula and the implications of overproduction when viewed from the supply-side perspective. Perhaps that’s a discussion for another day.)

It’s fairly clear that, generally speaking, baby formula is ridiculously overpriced. Although it’s a necessity with regard to the health and well-being of infants, as a commodity baby formula is neither scarce nor expensive and it’s not necessarily difficult to produce, either. The plethora of discount offers, coupons and free samples that producers offer to consumers further exposes the fact that the “market” itself is almost completely artificial. Rosa Luxemburg nicely summed up this kind of phenomenon in her unfinished work What is Economics?:

Price fluctuations are like secret movements directed by an invisible agency behind the back of society… This movement is observed as atmospheric pressure read on a barometer, or temperature on a thermometer. And yet commodity prices and their movements manifestly are human affairs and not black magic. No one but man himself—with his own hands—produces these commodities and determines their prices, except that, here again, something flows from his actions which he does not intend or desire; here again, need, object, and result of the economic activity of man have come into jarring contradiction.

Don’t get me wrong here; getting free baby formula is nice. Now more than ever, I enjoy having a little extra cash in my wallet whenever possible. Hell, I’d even be happy to publicly endorse Enfamil A.R. if it keeps my baby boy’s reflux in check. I’d work cheaply, too; they could just pay me with free formula! But at the end of the day, I’d be happiest if the folks who produce the stuff could just do away with all the smoke and mirrors and simply offer their products at a consistent, reasonable price that is both indicative of the actual cost of production (plus labor) and affordable to all consumers. I am certain this is possible.

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1. “U.S. Median Annual Wage Falls To $26,364 As Pessimism Reaches 10-Year High” Huffington Post
2. “Supply-side economics” Wikipedia

When the world falls apart, some things stay in place

In the fall of 2013, I decided to leave my 20-year career as a professional to care for my infant son and my aging father-in-law. It was a difficult choice that came in the midst of some hard times for our family. Although my wife and I had just welcomed a new baby into the fold, we’d also lost my mother-in-law to cancer just a couple of weeks after my son’s birth. The Chinese saying, “women hold up half the sky” rang especially true for us because when she passed away, half of our sky seemed to fall down around us.

With a flood of emotions and a host of competing demands, we had to quickly come up with a new way to care for those who needed the most care and attention. There’s a line in the Billy Bragg song “Levi Stubbs’ Tears” that seemed to sum up our current situation: “When the world falls apart, some things stay in place.” We had kids—three in all counting our recent arrival— and an elderly parent to consider, all of whom had their own unique, multifaceted and evolving needs.

My wife, my brother-in-law and I looked into a number of alternatives and at the end of it all, the three of us agreed that it made sense for me to be the one to leave the rat race behind and focus all of my efforts on keeping things safe and stable at home for our loved ones.

Since I am a storyteller at heart, I figured it’d be an enlightening project to keep a written record of this new phase in the life of my family. Given difficulties we’ve experienced over the course of the past several months, some of what I share here will be sad; I’m sure of that. But there are plenty of exciting and happy times to look forward to, as well and I hope to capture many such moments via the pages of this blog.

My son, my father-in-law and I make for an interesting cast of characters, indeed. As I write this, my son’s vocabulary is limited to gurgles, giggles and a good deal of crying. My father-in-law, almost an octogenarian at this point, is a Greek immigrant and a retired autoworker. He’s slowly adjusting to life as a widower…and barely adjusting to the physical and mental challenges of old age. As for me, I’m a long-haired pseudo intellectual with a lot of experiences and interests. Over the course of the past two decades, I’ve worked as an advocate, an activist, a teacher and a writer. I’m pretty sure that I’m still all of those things and probably more, given my host of new responsibilities here at home. Put succinctly, we’re three men in different seasons of our respective lives, looking ahead with cautious optimism and peace of mind.

✭ Mike Bessler, November 2013