Sleep by the numbers

I honestly don’t remember how we did it with our other two kids. On the one hand, the last time I had to really track the sleep habits of an infant was nearly a decade ago and those memories are pretty fuzzy at this point. But six months into our latest parenting endeavor, I can’t help but feel like baby Dimitri’s sleep habits are a little...well...funky. I’m getting used to the whole ebb and flow of his naps and late-night feedings and generally speaking, he’s a very well-rested child. But I often feel like we could do just a little better with his sleep patterns. Here’s a sample of how we’re doing thus far using imprecise estimates with an unspecified margin of error:

Typical range for Dimitri's AM wake-up time: 6:30 to 7:15 AM

Times per week that I silently plead with Dimitri to go back to sleep when he wakes up in the morning: 5

Typical time for Dimitri’s mid-morning nap: 9:20 AM

Average length of Dimitri’s mid-morning nap: 35 minutes

Average length of my mid-morning nap: 20 minutes

Number of times per week I am startled awake from my mid-morning nap by raucous laughter on Kathie Lee and Hoda: 4 (Don't judge, people; they're the best thing on TV at 10:00 AM.)

Typical time for Dimitri’s late morning nap: 11:45 AM

Average length of Dimitri’s late morning nap: 25 minutes

Keep it down, ladies...I'm trying to sleep!

Average volume level of the television when my father-in-law falls asleep while flipping through the channels: 45 (out of 50)

Typical time for Dimitri’s mid-afternoon nap: 2:10 PM

Average length of Dimitri’s mid-afternoon nap: 20 minutes

Number of times per week that my stupid dogs wake Dimitri up by barking at an imaginary foe in the front yard: 6

Number of times per week that I curse and throw things at my stupid dogs: 6

Typical range for Dimitri’s PM bedtime: 7:30 to 8:30 PM

Average length of time it takes to get Dimitri to fall asleep for the night: 25 minutes

Typical bedtime for Thomai: 10:00 PM

Typical bedtime for Thomai on the nights that I watch wrestling on TV: 8:30 PM

Usual bedtime for me: 1:00 AM

Typical times for Dimitri’s nighttime feedings: 1:30 AM and/or  4:00 AM

Number of dreams I have per week about being back in college and being unprepared for an exam: 3

Okay, it might be a slight exaggeration to say that I have those freaky college dreams three times per week. But they are a relatively frequent occurrence and while I can’t say for sure that my tendency to drink copious amounts of caffeinated pop before bed, I also suspect that my subconscious may be waxing philosophical a bit regarding the insecurities I have surrounding my efforts as a stay-at-home dad. No big deal, though. Much like the dude in my college dreams...I’m still learning.